(一)
The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客 一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。” “爲什麼要用我的肘和腳呢?” “你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空着手來吧?”吝嗇鬼回答。
(二)
Advice for "Kid" A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年輕者” 這裏想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話， 千萬別進退休社區。因爲那裏人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，擡東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，“讓小的幹吧。”
(三)
Which woman? One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outsideof his car was and cleaned it up a I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield." My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人? 一天晚上我開着丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裏時大聲喊：“世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。” 我丈夫擡頭看了看，說：“媽媽來了?”
(四)
The doctor lives downstairs "Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
醫生住在樓下 “醫生”她衝進屋後大聲說道。 “我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。” 他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅;第二，如果您要用上十分之一的'胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。”
(五)
One Engine Left A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
只剩一個引擎 一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭裏傳來了機長的聲音：“旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。” 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：“各位，你們猜怎麼啦 ?我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。” 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：“看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”