英語笑話之蝙蝠的問題
Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said, "Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated, and they still won’t go away.""
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the n’t seen one back since!"
三個南部的牧師在一家小餐館裏吃午飯。其中的一個說道：“你們知道嗎，自從夏天來臨，我的教堂的閣樓和頂樓就被蝙蝠騷擾，我用盡了一切辦法----噪音、噴霧、貓----似乎什麼都不能把它們趕走。”
另外一位說：“是啊，我也是。在我的鐘樓和閣樓也有好幾百只。我曾經請人把整個地方用煙燻消毒一遍，它們還是趕不走。”
第三個牧師說：“我爲我那裏的所有蝙蝠洗禮，讓它們成爲教會的一員......從此一隻也沒有再回來過。”
英語笑話之我們的幽默
Americans have a strong sense of humor.
Because everyone has ancestors, family and friends of every possible race, color, creed and national origin, and because sensitivity to such differences has reached unprecedented tenderness in recent years, it is considered rude to tell a joke that perpetuates an ethnic, social, religious, sexual, or racial stereotype. Nevertheless that still leaves plenty of material for humor, such as occupation, political persuasion, or region of origin. For example:
A Texan was boasting to an Arkansan about his ranch. "Why, my ranch is so big," he said, "that if I start out in my truck in the morning to drive around it, it’s night by the time I get home." The Arkansan nodded understandingly and said, "Yep. I had a truck like that once."
The only group detested enough to be a suitable butt for barbed humor is lawyers. Lawyers are unpopular because they’re only consulted in times of distress. Any lawyer joke is sure to draw a laugh.
"Did you hear that medical laboratories have started using lawyers instead of white rats? There are more of them and there are some things even a laboratory rat just won’t do."
Politicians are also fair game, but since approximately two-thirds of the nation’s congressional representatives are law school graduates, such jokes are really just a subset of the ’lawyer’ canon.
美國人是很幽默的。
由於各人的祖先，家庭和朋友都有各自不同的種族，膚色，宗教信仰和民族淵源，又由於人們對這種不同之處的敏感在近幾年來已經達到空前微妙的地步，因此，講帶有民族，社會，宗教，性或種族類別的笑話就被認爲是很不禮貌的事。儘管如此，能構成幽默的素材仍然不少，如職業，政治信仰或出身地等。例如：
有一個得克薩斯人對一個阿肯色人吹噓自己的牧場。“嗨，我的牧場可大了，”他說，“要是我早上開着卡車出門饒它走一圈，回到家時就是夜晚了。”那阿肯色人點了點頭，滿理解的樣子，說，“是啊，我有過一輛卡車也是那麼大。”
唯一的一幫不討人喜歡而適宜當諷刺幽默靶子的人是律師。律師之所以不得人心是因爲人們只是在煩惱的時候纔去找他們。任何有關律師的笑話肯定是引人發笑的。
你聽說了嗎?醫學實驗室已經不用白鼠而開始用律師了。律師比白鼠多。而有些事就是實驗室的老鼠也做不了的。
政治人物也是被諷刺的對象，不過既然約三分之二的國會議員都是法學院的畢業生，這些笑話也就是“律師全集”中的.“分冊”而已了。
英語笑話之好消息和壞消息
Good News And Bad News
"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client. "I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?" "Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement." "And the bad news?" "After the divorce, she's marrying your father."
“有好消息，也有壞消息，”離婚律師告訴他的當事人。 “我總能聽到一些好消息吧，”當事人嘆了口氣說，“是什麼好消息?” “你妻子沒有要求將你未來的繼承財產也劃入裁決的範圍。” “那麼壞消息呢?” “離婚以後，她將與你父親結婚。”
英語笑話之新老師
The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September. "George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too..."
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裏。 “喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎?” 媽媽問。 “媽媽，我不喜歡，因爲她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。”
英語笑話之錢包丟了
Lost Purse
A lady lost her handbag. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
中文： 一個女人丟了手提包，有一個誠實的小孩撿到後交還給了她。她看了看錢包，說：“嗯，這麼有趣，我丟的時候裏面是一張20美元，現在成了20張一美元。” “沒錯，夫人。”小男孩立刻回答道，“上次我撿到錢包時，那位夫人沒有零錢獎賞給我。”
英語笑話之湯姆的藉口
TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow".
老師：湯姆，您爲什麼每天上學遲到? 湯姆：我每次路過拐角，一個路標上面寫着："學校---慢行。"
英語笑話之你爸爸幫你了嗎?
DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU?
One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?" "No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim.
一天，蒂姆的數學老師看了他的作業，發現他全做對了。老師很高興 ，同時也十分驚訝。他把蒂姆叫到桌前說："蒂姆，你這次的作業全都 做對了，怎麼回事?你爸爸幫你做了嗎?" "不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做了。"