導語：笑話來源於生活，卻又可以讓我們的生多些歡樂、開心，現在，本站小編爲大家整理了笑破肚子的英語笑話大全，一起來開心爆笑下！
1 "Oh, my poor man," exclaimed the kind old lady， "It must be dreadful to be lame. But it would be much worse if you were blind."
"啊，可憐的人，"善良的老婦人驚歎道。"腳瘸就夠慘的了，要是眼瞎就更糟了。"
"You're absolutely right," said the beggar, obviously an old hand at the game." When I was blind, people kept giving me foreign coins."
"你說的一點兒沒錯，"那乞丐說。他顯然是乞討老手。"我眼瞎的時候，人們老是給我外幣。"
2 Dusk, I jog in the road industry. Have a young man ran up from behind me, in my ear hastily cried: "Run!" "What happened?" I ask young people around him. "Ran quickly." Young people go in front of me. My rapid recovery of the 500 meters after the breathless questions: "What happened in the end?" "You run too slow." Young people leaving me, a big move back and forth.
黃昏的時候，我在產業道路上慢跑。有一個年輕人從我後面跑上來，在我耳邊急促地叫着：“快跑!”“發生了什麼事?”我問身旁的年輕人。“趕快跑。”年輕人跑到我的前面。我快速的追了五百公尺以後，氣喘吁吁的追問：“到底發生了什麼事?”“你跑得太慢了。”年輕人丟下我，自顧自往前跑去。
3 Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?
老師：1809年發生了什麼重大事件?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.
小威利：亞伯拉罕-林肯誕生。
Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?
老師：正確。那麼1812年發生了什麼重要事件呢?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.
4 One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question.I'll permit him or her to go home earlier.” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard was very angry and asked，“Who did it?Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good-bye，Sir! ”
一天，放學以後，老師對他的學生們說：“明天上午，如果你們當中的任何一個同學能回答我的第一個問題，我就准許他或她最先回家。”第二天，老師走進教室時發現黑板已被亂塗，他非常生氣地問：“誰塗的? 請站起來。”鮑勃說：“先生，是我，現在我可以回家了，再見。”
5 A shoplifter(商店扒手) was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook(騙子，壞蛋) looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."
一個小偷在一家珠寶店企圖偷走一隻手錶的時候被當場擒獲。“聽着，”小偷說，“我知道你們也不想惹麻煩。我把這隻表買下，然後我們就當什麼也沒發生，你看怎樣?”
經理表示同意，然後列了一張售貨單。小偷看着單子說道：“這比我最初的.預算稍稍高了一點，你們還有沒有便宜一點兒東西。"
6 In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer(門廳，大廳) . A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:
Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?
Yes, but it doesn't really matter. It didn't hurt at all.
Oh, no, it isn't that. I only want to make sure that this is my row.
在一家電影院裏，一名觀衆在演出期間站了起來，沿着他那排位子走到休息室去了。幾分鐘後，他回到那排位子並問坐在首位的那位男士道：
對不起，請問我剛纔出去的時候是踩着你的腳嗎?
是的，不過沒什麼關係，一點也不疼。
噢，不，我不是這個意思。我只是想確認一下這是不是我的那排位子。