導語：愛笑的人，運氣總不會太差，那麼你喜歡笑麼?這裏小編收集整理了快樂爆笑英語笑話，一起來看看吧!說不定能點中你的笑穴哦!
1 The Preacher Buys a Parrot
傳教士買鸚鵡
A preacher is buying a parrot.
一個傳教士在買鸚鵡。
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
“你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎?”傳教士問。
"Oh absolutely. He's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
“噢，絕對不會。它是一隻虔誠的鸚鵡。”店主向他保證。
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
“你看見它腿上的那些細繩了嗎?當你拉動右邊這根，它會背誦天主經;當你拉動左邊那根，它會背誦讚美詩。”
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
“太棒了!”傳教士說，“但是如果我同時拉動兩根繩子，會發生什麼呢?”
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
“我會從樹幹上掉下去，你這個笨蛋!”鸚鵡尖聲說道。
2 Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."
我在郵局上班，對於顧客們的各種情緒早已習以爲常了。所以，有一天當一個生氣的顧客氣沖沖地來到我的工作臺時，我還是非常平靜地問她，“有什麼問題嗎?”“我早上上街了，”女顧客說，“我回到家的時候，我看到一個卡片，卡片說郵遞員要給我們家送包裹，但沒人在家。可是我的丈夫整個早上都在家啊。他說他什麼都沒聽到”。在表示了歉意之後，我把包裹給了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顧客喜形於色。“我們等這東西都等多少年了!”“是什麼好東西?”我問。“我丈夫的新助聽器”。
3 The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. "You'll never believe this one, " I told him." I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s. " Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, "Don't tell me she hasn't received them yet!"
我所工作的精品傢俱商店是從20世紀二十年代以來就營業的。最近我接到一個婦女的`電話。她想換一套餐具中的一些椅子。這套餐具她是在三十年代從我們這兒買的。我向她保證說我們可以幫她的忙，於是我向部門經理尋求幫助。“你永遠也不會相信，”我對他說，“我剛接到一個顧客的電話，她在三十年代從我們這裏買了一些椅子。” 我還沒來得及說她的要求，經理就打斷了我的話：“你別告訴我她到現在還沒收到貨!”
4 A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."
有一個丈夫和妻子都是91歲，他們站在法官面前，要求離婚。“我不明白，”法官說，“你們爲什麼到了這把年紀還要離婚?”丈夫解釋道：“嗯，你是知道的，我們以前是喲等到孩子們都死了。”
5 Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom?
老師: 湯姆，“男人”這個詞的複數形式是什麼?
Tom: Men.
湯姆:男人們。
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
老師: 答得好。那“孩子”的複數形式呢?
Tom : Twins.
湯姆: 雙胞胎。
6 Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody1 nose, black eye, and torn clothing.
小彼得從操場回到家時，鼻子流血、黑眼圈及被撕破了衣服。
It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. His father asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said Pete, "I challenged Larry to a duel2. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
顯然他剛與人惡鬥了一番，而且打輸了。父親問兒子發生了什麼事。“噢，爸爸，彼得說，我向拉里挑起決鬥，而且我讓他挑選武器。”
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
“嗯，”父親說，“這看上去很公平!”
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
“我知道，但我沒想到他選擇了他姐姐!”