爆笑幽默笑話小故事一：
這樣也行啊
我有一二貨哥們，在上地鐵的時候被一女的踩腳了，我那哥們不等那女的道歉就開罵了!結果兩人越吵越厲害，我那哥們兒就要動手。那女的一看要打她就說了句：“君子動口不動手!”我那二貨哥們兒上去就親了那女的一口後說：“我這是動口要是動手你就躺牀上了!”說完一轉頭下車! 說的我都醉了。
重點不一樣
去年女朋友劈腿和一個猥瑣男在一起了，前天那男的來消息說下個月就要和她結婚了，然後對我各種諷刺!怒火中燒啊，但是本着內涵段子的精神我還是淡定的回了他句：有什麼了不起的你只是上了我前女友而已，但是我上過你老婆!
你爺爺
A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather."
一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一進飯店就大聲嚷嚷：“喂，有什麼好菜儘管端上來，錢多少我不在乎。”服務員聽了很不是滋味：“哥兒們，錢多頂個屁，你不照樣得做別人的兒子，就是有人要你做孫子你也不敢不做!”年青人勃然大怒：“誰敢佔老子的便宜?你說，是誰不要命了，膽敢要老子做他的孫子?”服務員慢條斯理地答道：“你爺爺!”
她要買什麼
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer. No, ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting ified, the manager came runningover to the customer and said, Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never, never, never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's what was it she wanted? Rain, said the clerk.
一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：當然，馬上就會有的。我們上週訂了貨。然後經理把店員拉到一邊：千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什麼，說我們已經訂了貨，貨馬上就到。現在你說她要買什麼? 雨，店員說。
現在幾點了
The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."
"How will that help?" said the second boy.
"Just do it," insisted the first.
Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"
兩個男孩子在後院露營，他們不知道到了晚上幾點鐘。於是，一個男孩對另外一個說：“我們開始大聲唱歌就行了。”
“那就會知道時間嗎?”第二個男孩問。
“只管唱吧。”第一個堅持道。
兩個孩子開始大聲唱歌，過了一會兒，一個鄰居開啟窗戶喊道：“小聲點!你們不知道現在是凌晨三點嗎?”
是我把他晾乾
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.
"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."
Jim和Mary都是精神病院裏的病人。一天，他們沿着醫院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潛到水底，把Jim拉了上來。
當院長聽聞了Mary的英勇行爲後，他立刻翻看了她的病歷檔案,把她叫進了自己的辦公室.
“Mary，我有一個好消息和一個壞消息要告訴你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，這說明你的意識已經恢復了，你可以出院了。壞消息就是，Jim，你救的.那個病人，他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。”
Mary說：“他沒有自殺，是我把他吊起來好讓他晾乾。”
省一半的煤
A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"
一位精明的家庭主婦聽人說有一種爐子用起來可以比她現在用的爐子省一半的煤。她聽了大爲興奮，說：“那太好了!一個爐子可以省一半的煤，那麼如果我買兩個爐子的話，不就可以把煤全都省下來了嗎?”
是不是大爺理解錯了
馬路上，老大爺騎車不慎蹭到了社會青年的座駕， 車身出現少許劃痕。青年大罵老大爺並讓大爺賠錢， 老大爺急得直哭。這時人羣中一個好心的老大媽小聲對大爺說：“大爺你躺下，你懂的......”老大爺漲紅了臉，憤怒地回道：“懂你妹啊，都什麼時候了你還想那個......”
爆笑幽默笑話小故事二：
這小姐太犀利了
一朋友去找小姐完事後點了根菸他爲了避免尷尬就想和小姐聊天問道：“你出來幹這個你家人知道嗎?” 小姐：“那你出來幹我你家人知道嗎?”
舔和含不算吃
老婆和老公在牀上看電視，老婆在牀上吃零食。老公：能不能別在牀上吃東西?老婆：好吧，我以後絕對不在牀上吃東西了。老公：老婆，我錯了。
孩子你的表述能力很強
女兒：“媽媽媽媽，我要告訴你件事。”媽媽：“什麼事?”女兒：“那天我看到爸爸和劉阿姨在牀上…”媽媽打斷：“等下，等你爸回來再當面說!”爸爸回，媽媽：“說吧”! 女兒：“媽媽，那天我看到爸爸和劉阿姨在牀上做你和王叔叔經常做的事…”爸爸媽媽：“臥槽…”
節操碎一地
今天早上看一妹子的簽名：屁股痛，腿痛，腰痛。我想都沒想就回：昨晚你都玩了哪些姿勢啊?一會下面的跟帖都是滿滿的贊啊!說好的節操呢?
幫忙扶一下
某同學到養老院學雷鋒，帶着一個六十多歲的大爺上廁所，大爺顫顫巍巍的解開褲子，對他說：過來扶一下。他趕緊過去幫忙，事後，大爺教育同學：下次讓你扶，你扶我就行，那個我自己會扶....
沒辦法，這是宿命
戴女士和李女士同時追我，我選擇了戴女士，李女士問：“爲什麼?”我說：“沒辦法，這是宿命。”她不服氣：“哪裏有什麼宿命!”我說：“有，不信你跟着我讀，得…愛…戴!這不…得愛…戴嘛!”她說：“就因爲這個嗎?”我說：“不是，還有她的胸……大啊!”
大姨媽一來都有陰影了
大姨媽來去廁所換姨媽巾，特意挑着上課的點去，沒想到一會兒一羣一年級的小朋友來上廁所，突然聽到一個小女孩大叫：“音樂老師撒尿撒出血來了。”頓時好多孩子都很擔心的跑我面前問我：“你怎麼了?”啊，想死的心都有了，現在大姨媽一來上廁所都有陰影了。
有這麼嚴重嗎
游泳課上老師說：“今天全部都要下水。”一同學說：“老師我還沒太學會，可不可以不下去。”老師說：“不下水的待會點名冊上把名字刪除。”同學說：“下水了我家裏的戶口本就把我劃掉了!”